Week 11 — Where’s Dem Bears?

The Packers put themselves in good position for a Wild Card run, but in doing so lost key defensive leaders Al Harris and Aaron Kampman — both out for the season, injuring their left knees on separate plays. In a bittersweet twist, Kampman also sold his dad’s antique pocketwatch to buy Harris beautiful decorative combs for the playoffs neither will play in this year.

The game was a gimmie — 21-3 at half, 30-10 early in the fourth — until Alex Smith found “that one pass play that always works,” Tecmo Super Bowl-style, and hucked a post pattern ball to Vernon Davis for a score. The Packers eventually won it in the most exciting way possible — sound clock management. In the win, The Pack solidified their second-place standing in an NFC North that turned out to be less competitive (but just as funny!) as we anticipated.

This was a superbly played nail-biter — a battle of wills — with two talented teams jockeying for best position on the battlefield that was Mall of America Field.  Then the second quarter started, and the Vikings put up 21 unanswered points. With the fervor of a Marxist, Brett Favre evenly distributed touchdowns passes with a precision and fairness that would have made even Eugene Joseph McCarthy speechless.

Detroit Lions 38, Cleveland Browns 37

The Mangina crew finally allows Brady Quinn to bring the sex in Bad Bowl III. Quinn threw four touchdown passes on 304 yards for a career day against a team that couldn’t cover leftover casserole.

From those first two sentences, you’d think Cleveland got their second win, right? You’d be wrong — Joe Biden wrong! Matthew Stafford had the bigger day with 422 yards and five touchdown passes, the last of which resulted from an interference call on a Hail Mary. (Really, who calls pass interference on a Hail Mary with no time left? That’s bush league.) Stafford was injured on the play, which meant he would have to sit out the last snap. In the face of near victory, competence and common sense, Mangina called a timeout, which allowed Stafford to come back in for the last play. Stafford throws a TD and Cleveland finds an impressive way to lose.

Police found a note carved on the wall that read, “Brady was here,” at the team’s halfway house following the game.

Philadelphia Eagles 24, Chicago Bears 20

Some argue that no matter how we look at it, we are all bound by determinism. One such argument is presented as follows: Atoms behave in certain ways according to physics, no matter what (at least in our environment — anti-matter and dark matter not being considered), and as soon as the first atom was put into motion during the Big Bang, it predetermined how all other particles would react, thus providing an unchanging path that continues into infinity. Where am I going with this? From the beginning of time, Sweet Baby Jay Cutler was determined to ruin any possible game-winning drive for the Bears by throwing an interception. Fin

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Missing: One football franchise. Blue and white with orange stripes.  90 years old.  Does not answer to the call of “Stop sucking.”  Just before disappearing:

• Quietly instituted the Bend-and-Break defense.
• Fans seen wasting good booze money on #6 jerseys.
• O-coordinator Ron Turner considered trying to rule the nation, via the T-formation.
• Head coach Lovie Smith started using his “disappointed face.” (Note: It looks just like his regular face.)
• Players began to think punching would make up for lack of overall team talent.
• Running the ball was no longer their forte. (thank you!)
• Management shifted focus away from acquiring decent WRs and toward checking pay phones for loose change.
• Designers stopped trying to make their logo scarier.
• Smith’s mantra adjusted to “We get off the bus limping.”
• Seen throwing interceptions galore!

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UPON FURTHER REVIEW… The unfortunate Mr. Brian Battle did, indeed, pick the Dallas Cowboys over Green Bay last week, and slipped out of the backdoor in the ensuing chaos.  He is to be tracked down, beaten, then forced to wear the Shirt of Shame in public.  Meanwhile, after avoiding the public shaming for the second time in a row, Rob found a new lease on life going 3-0 in Week 11. Here’s what Divisionaries predicts during this extended turkey weekend:

Green Bay over Detroit (Unanimous)

Even though Detroit is coming off a win against a tough Cleveland team (sarcasm), I’m going to have to bet all my Thanksgiving stuffing (and booze) that Green Bay will manage to take the win. Although, if GB loses, I can make fun of Rob to no end. So, I guess it’s a win/win. —MK

It’s become a Thanksgiving tradition to watch the Lions get the shit kicked out of them. This is always a good conversation starter with that uncle who ripped your dad off and holds undeserved entitlement over the whole family. How long until Uncle Roger goes back to his hotel? Packers 28-17. —KB

Minnesota over Chicago (Unanimous)

Let’s see, Minnesota is at home. Minnesota actually has a team. Minnesota’s quarterback has real receivers to work with. Chicago won’t even notice I just ended that last sentence with a preposition. Minnesota wins by a million. —MK

Football pisses me off in general these days. I don’t really need to put my blood pressure to the test. Imagine the part in Kids where they beat on that old man. Pretend that man is Jay Cutler. I can’t make it any clearer. Vikings 38-10. —KB

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Divisionaries is created by Rob Vosters (Milwaukee), Brian Howe Battle, Kenny Bernat and Matt Kroll (Chicago).