Divisionaries: Week 15 — Jocks: The Greatest Arrests In NFC North HistoryDecember 23rd, 2009 |
Week 15 Recap
Arizona Cardinals 31, Detroit Lions 24
Football’s a haiku
With delicate interplay
nuance, and softness.
Like, take the Lions –
Despite what they lack in skill;
they still play with heart
So while Kurt Warner
is most likely playoff bound,
this game meant something.
Detroit battled back
after dropping behind fast.
Led by who? Drew Stanton.
I know. Right? I laughed.
Though the struggle proved futile,
a choice must be made.
Motown just might be
the Cleveland Browns by next year
with two quarterbacks.
Both are unproven,
Then again they are both Lions
So who really cares?
Baltimore Ravens 31, Chicago Bears 7
In wonderful Bears fashion, Jay Cutler started the game by throwing two interceptions that led to touchdowns. From Bears fans everywhere, I just want to say, “Thank you, Jay.” Instead of building hope and then crushing it with your cruel, diabetic hands, you dashed them right away so we didn’t need to have any hope whatsoever.
The Bears defense proved it’s just as bad as the offense — they couldn’t tackle Ray Rice if their estranged children’s lives depended on it. Joe Flacco threw for four touchdowns on 234 yards, which led me to try taking a nap. I was 0 for 1 on naps taken because my loved ones insisted on texting me their own thoughts on the live football scrimmage I was watching.
Caleb Hanie came into the game and did his best Jay Cutler impression by throwing an interception into the hungry Ravens defense. The only thing that made me feel somewhat good was Troy Smith throwing an interception. Can you think of a worse Heisman winner this decade? I didn’t think so.
Carolina Panthers 26, Minnesota Vikings 7
While the Vikings were hoping to head out into the North Carolina night and show those Southerners how to really party (Jared Allen style) after clinching the NFC North, plans turned sour after Minnesota’s victorious debauchery was replaced with whimpering and a bit of whining.
The Vikes managed to stay ahead of the Panthers by one point until the fourth quarter, but that’s when the ship began to sink.
Actually, it was destroyed.
Childress wanted to pull out Old Man Favre after he spent more time on his back than Lindsay Lohan, but the Great Purple One did not want to sit down. On the one hand, it’s nice to see that even though Favre was getting beat up, he wanted to stay in and try to close out the game. On the other hand, when he got what he wanted, he went out there and did jack shit, producing no points while Carolina racked up 20 answered points to win 26-7, which is the Vikings worst loss of the year.
Pittsburgh Steelers 37, Green Bay Packers 36
No one expected this game to be easy for the Packers, but it’s safe to say that no one assumed the game would end in such dramatic heartbreak.
The Packers offense performed better than expected, but unfortunately Mason Crosby continued his ulcer-inducing field goal futility; and the defense, which sacked Ben Roethlisberger five times and shut down the Steelers running game, floundered at crucial moments in the game. The Steelers took advantage of five first downs due to Packer penalties.
The offensive line continued to improve for Aaron Rodgers, allowing only one sack, but providing Rodgers enough time to throw for 383 yards and three touchdowns, two of which came in the fourth quarter. But that wasn’t enough to make up for Mike Wallace’s pair of touchdown receptions — one on the first Pittsburgh play from scrimmage and the other coming in fully outstretched, miraculous fashion as time expired.
The Packers are still in control of their playoff destiny, but the NY Giants (8-6) and Dallas Cowboys (9-5) are neck and neck with two games left.
JOCKS is written on location with the lawbreakers and scofflaws of the NFC North. All athletes are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.
10. Tank Johnson’s Armory
Chicago Bears defensive tackle, Tank Johnson, was already two arrests deep when police found a cache of loaded assault rifles in his Gurnee, IL, home. Besides the embarrassment of people knowing he kept it real in the city best known for The Whizzer, Tank received a probation violation and six misdemeanor counts for possessing unlicensed firearms.
Two days later, Tank’s bodyguard was shot and killed outside a different night club. Yet somehow, Tank was still able to play in the Bears’ Super Bowl loss to the Indianapolis Colts. One hundred twenty days in jail and $7,500 later, Tank’s troubles were behind him, until … he got a speeding ticket in Arizona. Three days later, the Bears waived Tank once and for all. Where else could you imagine Tank landing, but none other than the gun-totin’ state of Texas and the weapons-friendly Dallas Cowboys.
9. Lance Briggs’ License 2 Drive
Anyone who’s spent the mandatory time in Drivers Ed knows that in the event of an accident you always call the police. But what happens if the accident happens at 3:15 a.m. and it’s just you and your 2007 Lamborghini Murcielago all alone on …I-94? If you’re Lance Briggs and you’re three sheets to the wind, you just up and run off, leaving your $350,000 car to fend for itself. Briggs’ bit of delayed accident reporting kept him free from a nasty DUI, but became an instant head scratcher around Chicago water coolers and Lamborghini dealerships.
8. 190 Proof Stupid
If you had to pick any two fan bases to take things “a little too far,” you’d never go wrong choosing those of the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Chicago Bears. Two Rust Belt cities with a hot mess of bitters fighting over the last job making bolts for the Japanese robots that built their Toyota Tundra, each team’s fans tend to take their impotent rage out on opposing teams’ fans on Sundays in the fall. But pit both teams against each other and you get a startlingly cruel strain of aggressive passive-aggressiveness.
When the Bears and Steelers met in the second week of the 2009 season, a little skirmish erupted at Kitty O’Shea’s (located in the lobby of the downtown Chicago Hilton) between a group of Steelers fans and a group of Bears fans. As a sign of goodwill, the Bears fans sent a round of “apology” drinks over to the Steelers fans. And then Zack Heddinger’s heart stopped on the way to the hospital. Four times.
Zack’s drink was spiked with what the authorities believe was grain alcohol, leaving Zack, like the Kentucky Moonshiners drinking from jugs marked “XXX,” completely blind in both eyes for more than a month after the incident.
7. Randy Moss, Cop Bumper
In September 2002, the Minnesota Vikings were in the midst of an 0-3 start and Randy Moss was beginning to wear out his welcome with Vikings fans, referees and corporate sponsors. The only demographic block still on Randy’s side were traffic officers. That was before the night of Tuesday, Sept. 24, 2002.
As Randy maneuvered his “decked out” Lexus through an illegal left turn in downtown Minneapolis (“The City of Rights”), traffic officer Amy Zaccardi tried to get Moss’ attention and prevent him from turning. The lady/Lexus slow-motion ballet that transpired was witnessed by a multitude of onlookers right up to the moment, half a block down the street, that Zaccardi tumbled from her perch on the hood of the Lexus onto the cold Minneapolis pavement. The “Bump Heard ‘Round The World” resulted in a misdemeanor traffic citation, a $1,200 fine and 40 hours of community service.
6. Cedric Benson, Master & Lousy Commander (Of Boats and Cars)
Cedric Benson never truly endeared himself to Bears fans after being drafted in the first round in 2005. A contentious hold out to start his career angered fans, and frequent injuries soured his reputation further. But after three unsatisfying years, 2008 was going to be the Year of Cedric. And to celebrate the upcoming season, Cedric and his crew set out for a booze cruise on the Lower Colorado River.
Needless to say, Cedric was arrested for resisting arrest after a safety inspection turned up one drunk and surly captain. In the aftermath, he claimed police brutality, which proved credible enough for an Austin jury to acquit him on all charges. But in the immediate wake of “Dope on a Boat,” Cedric went out and steered himself into a DUI — this time on land — a month after the incident. Incredulous Bears execs waived him three days later. He was later acquitted on all charges.
Tune in next week for the remaining Top 5 arrests in NFC North history…
Minnesota Vikings over Chicago Bears (Unanimous!)
In an attempt to improve their position on draft day, Bears coach Lovie Smith installs his new “Tampa Meh 2″ defense in which the secondary is required to keep backpedaling until the play/game is over. -BB
San Francisco 49ers over Detroit Lions (Unanimous!)
Watching the Niners run a pass-happy spread offense is like watching a pelican try to take flight. It’s dumpy, awkward, ungainly and highly improbable but still somehow works. -BB
San Francisco is a team that will … who cares, this game is going to suck. -KB
I think this game is going to be closer than people think, but I’m giving it to San Francisco since they’re at home and will confuse the Lions with all their steep, curvy streets. -MK
Green Bay Packers over Seattle Seahawks (Unanimous!)
Revising his previous guarantee during the opening coin toss, Matt Hasselbeck is heard saying, “We’ll take the ball and we’re going to score. Then you’ll probably score a few times, and whoever has more points by the end of the game will win.” -BB