In which DJ gets Revenge Rapped upon

‘Twas the Wednesday before the band’s 10th anniversary show at Cactus Club. I was spending my evening on the computer doing my usual rounds — posting stuff to Fan-belt, scrolling Facebook, looking for photos of Lizzie Caplan for later (it’s not just a “she’s hot” thing — she’s 8 years younger than me, which means we’re totally compatible according to the Chinese Zodiac. Tigers and dogs, man! I’m just researching my destiny) … er, when the phone rang. The caller ID said “unknown number,” so I let it go to voice mail, because I’m not always so good with bills. But when I checked the message later, I immediately regretted not picking up the phone.

“YEAH, DR. AWKWARD! THIS IS RAP MASTER MAURICE!”

Awwww shit!

Rap Master Maurice is our nation’s premier revenge rapper (I would go out on a limb and say he’s the world’s premier revenge rapper, but hip-hop is very big in Finland and I haven’t done my research). One look at his website is all you need to know about the man:

BAD CUSTOMER SERVICE?
TERRIBLE MEAL AT A RESTAURANT?
TIRED OF A WORN OUT RELATIONSHIP?
WAYWARD RELATIVE OWES YOU MONEY?
UNABLE TO BE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE?
MAURICE IS ON THE JOB!

Rap Master Maurice is willing to VIGILANTE MIND BATTLE RAP CALL anybody who has done you wrong. Simply PayPal $12 and give a brief explanation of  the trouble and you’re EVEN STEPHEN. Do it now because soon it will  cost $17 and you will say to yourself, “I SHOULD HAVE DONE IT WHEN IT WAS $12”.

Your $12 payment includes justice, peace of mind and a medium  quality MP3 file emailed to you in a timely manner!

My dear friend Saara, who, for reasons known only to the gods or a stray Sorcerer Supreme, spent five years of her life in close proximity to me (and by extension, the band), was disappointed that she was unable to fly up from Florida to attend the show, so she sent Rap Master Maurice an email requesting a revenge rap. Well, not a revenge rap, actually; she paid the $19 “friendly” rap rate (“Maurice is a revenge rapper but will don the hat of friendly rapper for an extra $7”), instructing Maurice to give it a “revenge-y tone,” because she thought we’d appreciate it. She sent some information about the band and its members, and let him do his thing.

Later that evening, that thing was done, and it was beautiful. Click on the player below to hear for yourself; as soon as you hear “My name’s Maurice and I’m here to say,” you know you’re in for some of the finest vigilante mind battling $19 can buy.

I’m not saying that the band or I received any other bandiversary gifts (other than a tingling sensation in my hands that lasted the entire day after our show and four screaming band-wide hangovers), but it was the best bandiversary gift a dorky singing drummer could have hoped for. I’m just pissed that I didn’t pick up the phone; that mp3 would have been way funnier with me in the background occasionally reacting to Maurice’s stone cold disses with a genuine “aw HELL naw!” or “Oh no you did-en!”

Rap Master Maurice provides a solid, reliable service. I highly suggest you consider him the next time a celebrity files charges against you. (You HEAR THAT, Lizzie? “500 feet” my ass.)