Hiccuping Volcanoes

You gotta love The Right.  They try and they try, but they just can’t help themselves. Like active moral volcanoes with a bad case of the hiccups, conservatives erupt and spew, and god help any innocent bystander that gets in the way of their lava flow of virtuousness. That includes themselves.

Bright pink Post-It notes are stuck to their bathroom mirrors to serve as daily reminders: “It’s the economy, stupid.” And for a fleeting moment, folks on The Right stick to the script. But all it takes is the merest hint of a whisper of a rumor of suspected aberrant behavior, and Boom! All hell breaks loose.

Banding together, they rain down with exalted anger to smite evildoers. Never mind the deficit; the wages of sin must first be paid.

Oh, they talk about getting the government out of people’s business. But when it’s bedroom business or women’s body businesses, an infatuation with perceived iniquity overwhelms them. That’s when their business becomes the business of judging other people’s business. And business is good.

I imagine all 23 potential Republican presidential candidates — cowering at the side of the candidate pool in their red-white-and-blue bathing suits, waiting for spring to turn to summer and the nominating waters to warm up — would rather juggle a dozen flaming marshmallows over a broken crate of alligators on stilts than be nailed down on abortion or gay marriage right now. But deep down, this enforced silence is eating away their innards, because their hungry desire for rapturous conduct burns hot inside as well.

Like junkies fresh out of rehab, the self-righteously righter than right can smell mendacity three states away. And being good, god-fearing people, they go ballistic when the rest of society refuses to twitch into the same twisted noble contortions as they. Then as avenging angels they swoop, sometimes in packs, sometimes plunging solo.

Knowing better, but still unable to control his compulsion, Speaker John Boehner (R- $$$) interrupted his budget putsch by hiring a law firm to argue on behalf of the Defense of Marriage Act. President Obama declared DOMA unconstitutional and indefensible, so the Speaker is taking it unto himself to ensure equal rights are denied to same sex relationships. Apparently, certain people’s happiness makes him miserable.

Previously, the GOP tried lathering their moral superiority onto the budget bill. That’s when Jon Kyl (R- Wackyville) went on the floor of the Senate to say abortions “are well over 90% of what Planned Parenthood does.” And he was close — just off by 97%. A bit outside. Later, Kyl’s office recanted, saying “his remark was not intended to be a factual statement.” Of course. Who would ever think it was? After all, he is a known politician.

With no innards left, Michele Bachmann leapt onto the anti-abortion bandwagon with talons extended, calling Planned Parenthood the “Lenscrafters of abortion,” which by all rights allows you to call the Heritage Foundation the Orange Julius of the death penalty. Congresswoman Bachmann, the Home Depot of ridiculously overwrought indignation. Making the Republican Party itself the Luigi’s Shoe Repair of self inflicted gunshot wounds to the chest.

The New York Times says Emmy- nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com to find out about upcoming stand- up performances or to buy his book, The All- American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.